Olaf's Crush chapter eight: The Next Big Thing
Olaf was walking around when he saw Asle sitting on the couch with "Adrian" "Hey Asle, have you seen Elsa anywhere?" Olaf asked. "Oh, I think she's in her room" Asle answered as Olaf went to find her. Olaf went into Elsa's bedroom, where she was sitting on her bed. "What's happening, good lookin'?" he said flirtatiously. Elsa was looking at some small claw marks on her arm and laughed as she answered "funny, just thinking back when Anna was trying to kill you. I didn't even feel it when any of these happened. I got a little scratch here, this cut on my waist's only just stopped bleeding. And well, I can't remember her biting me on my leg here" "Wow, are you okay?" "Oh, don't worry. If I could survive having a chandelier dropped on me then a little scratch won't hurt" "Okay, it's just good to know you're okay" Olaf answered. Elsa looked around and realized that they were alone. She looked at Olaf and said "so Olaf, since we're alone" before she kissed him, Olaf eventually returning this, only for him to push her away and say "okay, okay, just give me a sec" as Elsa sighed in annoyance. Anna was walking past the room when she heard shouting inside. "Well, I'm sorry that I don't have any genitals. But who's fault is that?" Olaf shouted from across the hall. Elsa shouted back "Ugh. I am sick and tired of you always trying to delay the relationship. If I'm gonna have a boyfriend, then that boyfriend's gotta provide for me!" "Provide for you? You're the freaking queen of Arendelle!" "So being a queen means I can't get a little bit of satisfaction after I let my own sister call me a whore for you!" Elsa snapped as she walked out, Olaf "oh great. Go ahead then. Just run away when trouble comes in. That's you in a nutshell isn't it? Shutting out and running away. I can't believe this" "Whoa guys. What's going on here?" Anna asked as she walked in. "Oh, her majesty wants her non-endowed boyfriend to somehow start providing for her!" "Oh I see what's happening" Anna said as a smile came to her face. "Unsatisfied sex drive for the Snow Queen, isn't that right?" "I don't know, probably" "Definitely. 1. Your relationship seems fine. 2. You guys don't have sex. 3. She's committed to the relationship. 4. You're committed as well. And 5. She's 21 years old. Yep, all five signs of an unsatisfied sex drive" "Well if she's the one who built me without a you-know-what in the first place, then it's her fault!" Olaf said. "Well, we didn't build you with one when we were kids, plus you know, Elsa didn't know that you were gonna open the door." "Okay, it was your fault. You dropped the water and I wouldn't have slipped!" "How does a snowman trip on water?" "I don't know, it's magic logic, I guess!" "Hey, don't shout at me. She's the one you're fighting with!" "(sigh) I know. I'm sorry, okay" Olaf said as he calmed down. Anna said "look Olaf. I suggest you talk to her. Just sort it out" "But how. She's just...being so difficult" "Well then, give her what she wants!" "How?" Olaf asked, before Anna passed him a carrot and said "use your imagination!"(yes, Man of Constant Sorrow, I read your review) That night, Elsa sat in her room meditating. Olaf opened the door and said "Elsa, can we talk?" "Oh, sure thing, Olaf" Elsa said as she woke up. Her face showed no scorn from their argument earlier that day, as Olaf sat on the bed and said "Elsa, I want to apologize" "Oh...okay" "Look, I'm sorry that I don't provide for you in the rel- "Wait, Olaf, are you talking about today" Elsa asked. "Well, yeah. You were upset about it, so I wanted to a- "Olaf, I'm not upset about it. Well, maybe a little, but I'm not mad over it" "You're not?" "Of course not. I could never stay mad at you" Elsa said happily. Olaf said "oh, okay. Great" as he and Elsa hugged, Olaf saying "so Elsa" "Yeah?" "If we can't have sex, then what's the next big thing?" Olaf asked, a smile coming to her face as she said "oh, I think I know what the next best thing is" Two months later... Anna, Kristoff and Sven were in the Arendelle chapel as some trolls played the Bridal Chorus on a piano. Anna was dressed in the same dress she wore at Elsa's coronation, saying to a well-dressed Kristoff "wow, this has all happened so fast. It feels like just two months ago Olaf opened Elsa's door while she was naked" "That was two months ago" Kristoff said. Elsa, dressed in a lily-colored dress, stood at the alter and looked at Olaf excitedly saying "I still can't believe we're doing this!" "I know right" Olaf said, only to add "she's growing up so fast" as they looked at Asle sitting at the front of the alter with "Adrian", Pabbie reading a book and saying "do you, Asle, take Adrian here to be your lawfully wedded husband?" "I do" Alse said. "And do you, Adrian take Asle to be your lawfully wedded wife?" Since Adrian was simply a statue, Olaf used a candlestick to prod at his head to resemble nodding, Elsa saying "that means I do!" as Asle smiled innocently. "I now pronounce you... uh, snowman and snowwoman" Pabbie said awkwardly as the trolls cheered, Anna throwing petals and saying "hooray. What a happy...weird, couple!" That night, as Anna was talking to Asle about her "nuptials", Elsa and Olaf sat on the balcony looking at the moon. "Well, Olaf. You know, two months ago we first got together" "Boy, how time flies, huh?" Olaf said, before adding "Elsa, since we've been dating for two months now, I want to ask you something" "Okay" "Elsa. You are a beautiful, strong, independent woman. And you need a guy who can give you all the happiness you deserve" Olaf said, Anna, Kristoff and Asle entering at this point. "What are you saying, Olaf" "Elsa, this relationship is the greatest adventure I've ever had" Olaf added. "But the truth is, the adventure's only just begun. And I see a lot of adventure on the path ahead" "Olaf, are you?" Anna asked as Olaf took Elsa's hand and got on one knee. Anna realized what Olaf was about to do, and she and Elsa were crying tears of joy with excitement. "Elsa of Arendelle" "Yes Olaf?" "Will you break up with me?" Olaf asked, Anna's smile becoming a confused face as she said "wait. What?" But Elsa's smile remained on her face as she said "of course I will. I thought you'd never ask!" as they embraced. Anna looked at Kristoff and said "what's going on here?" Olaf broke away from the hug and said "well, it's been fun, Elsa" "Yeah, it has" Elsa answered back as they both smiled. Olaf:(narrating) Well, what did you expect, she was my first girlfriend. You know, you're always trying to get things to come out perfectly but it just doesn't. Interestingly enough, I uh..did run into Elsa again. It was just on the fjord outside of the palace. You know, she was with another guy, I was with another snow-girl, and she and I still have lunch together sometimes and...(sigh) it's just great, you know, it's good still to think about old times with her. It's great to know that's she's still the terrific person that I fell in love with. Asle:(narrating) In case you're wondering this is kinda like the ending of a certain Woody Allen movie. Olaf: Uh, Asle, Can I finish please. Asle: Oh sure. Olaf: Okay. (narrating) and the reason that Elsa had to be the best relationship I had, was because we had something. It wasn't about kissing, or sex, it was just love. And she taught me how to love another person, and I know that what's she's taught me is gonna stay with me forever. And like they say, isn't love just a big kick in the head. Olaf: How lucky can one guy be I kissed her and she kissed me Like the fella once said, Ain't that a kick in the head? The room was completely black I hugged her and she hugged back Like the sailor said, quote "Ain't that a hole in the boat" My head keeps spinning I go to sleep and keep grinning If this is just the beginning, My life is gonna be beautiful I've got sunshine enough to spread It's just like the fella said Tell me quick ain't love like a kick in the head? Like the fella once said Ain't love like a kick in the head? Like the sailor said, quote "Ain't that a hole in the boat?" My head keeps spinning I go to sleep and keep grinning If this is just the beginning, My life is gonna be beautiful She's telling me we'll be wed She's picked out a king size bed I couldn't feel any better or I'd be sick Tell me quick, oh, ain't love a kick? Tell me quick, ain't love a kick in the head? THE END References *Pabbie is the priest at Asle and "Adrian's" wedding. *When Olaf breaks up with Elsa, he gets down on one knee similar to a typical marriage proposal. *As Asle mentions, the ending narration is similar to that of the 1977 romantic comedy Annie Hall. *Olaf finishes the story by singing the 1960 song Ain't That a Kick in the Head, written by Sammy Cahn and originally performed by Dean Martin. Next Big Thing, The Next Big Thing, The